you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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