He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Randomize
