Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
