there's paper in my vomit.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
So vagazzling was a success
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Randomize
