She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
