I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Randomize
