I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
