It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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