you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
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