I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
In other news, I just burned my penis
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
