At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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