My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
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