i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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