The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
