i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Do you remember whose house we're in?
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
