you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
