I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
The power of my boobs compel you
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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