I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
I did not marry a roomba.
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