I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
