I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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