He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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