I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
where are my eyebrows?
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