I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
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