Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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