Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
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