I need to stop coming to work sober
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
