just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
