I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize