I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Randomize
