stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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