Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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