I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
