I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
