i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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