Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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