3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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