Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Quick, to the slutcave!
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
