I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
