Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
