I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
