I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
