and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
