I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
