I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
