youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Randomize
