why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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