Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
