So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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