i may or may not be watching the land before time
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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