Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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