How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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