just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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