i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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