I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
