dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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