Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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