glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
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