I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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