No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
