theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
im six kinds of drunk right now
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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