happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
