I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
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